Bill Henry Duffield.
Did you say something, Cleggy?
I said, "Bill Henry Duffield." That's going back a bit.
A letter this morning, from America...about the LATE Bill Henry Duffield. Get away! Mmm.
He died 6 months ago... It's from his missus. Sorry to hear that.
Just a note to bring us up to date and give us news of the wedding.
^ Whose wedding? Hers. His missus.
Wasn't she a Hinchcliff? That's right. Mavis. Then she became a Duffield.
And now she's going to be a... "Beckenschneider."
That's a big jump from Hinchcliff!
"I'm marrying a Mr Roman Beckenschneider, security guard for the Friendly Liquor Store."
Roman...? Wasn't he that Polish film midget who was in trouble for...?
NO! No...not if he's marrying Mavis Hinchcliff.
"Mr Beckenschneider is a man of scrupulous personal habits,
"and an expert on his revolver which he keeps in good condition.
"He is only a moderate drinker,
"unlike poor Bill Henry who was very cheerful up to the second when he fell out of the aeroplane."
My God! He fell out of an aeroplane.
It was on the ground.
Fell out of an aeroplane?! Well, it wasn't flying. Only Bill Henry was flying.
You mean it was...? On the ground.
Just a minute, Rambo... What was he doin' in an aeroplane on the ground?
He was delivering frozen food. Airline meals - that was his job.
Then in a fit of forgetfulness, carrying 112 Chicken Kiev's...
he stepped through the wrong door.
I don't like the paprika. Mmm, makes you shudder.
It's very sad. Dozy beggar!
What happened to all that Chicken Kiev?
That's the first time you've ever thought in a businesslike manner!
I bet he were plastered. Best way to be if you fall 60 feet with a flock of frozen chickens.
Didn't he marry a Hinchcliff? Mavis. Yeah, used to pretend she knew shorthand. That's the one.
Her shopping list was all squiggles and she bought the wrong things!
D'you remember HIM at school?
He were always after elastic for his catapult. He used to make the lasses squeal, I tell thee!
Oh, THAT was him, was it? Yes, it damn well was!
I lost touch when I went to Grammar School.
He had very weak catapults, but he enjoyed making them.
Auntie Ivy...
Why did the lasses squeal? Where did he get his elastic?
Never you mind where he got his elastic! Get on with your work! Go on!
Ivy...
If I get a catapault, will you provide the elastic? Aahh! Get off!
Here... Are you going to behave while I put this on?
Well, seein' it's a funeral... His funeral was six months ago!
We'll have to do what we can.
You can't let a good bloke's passing go by without a ceremony.
The world's not that rich in silly beggars that it can lose them lightly.
Poor old Bill Henry.
Well, they say America's the land of opportunity...
He'd have never fallen out of an aeroplane round here.
There... That should stay in place.
How's it look? The armband looks fine. It's your jacket that's a disgrace.
He'll not mind. He were never a snappy dresser.
Well, THERE'S an expert opinion(!)
He were never good America material. Why d'you think he went there?
It was HER. Film fan extraordinary! She thought the streets were lined with Walter Pidgin.
She loved a good weepie, did Mavis.
I bet SHE didn't miss his funeral.
Didn't she used to be a Hinchcliff?
There are certainly a lot of rumours to that effect.
Their house had a tatty shed. During the war, they kept a goat in the garden.
A lot less trouble than an evacuee.
Hey, Mavis were probably bombed by a relative of her fiance's!
Just shows... life gets you in the end.
Anyway, it were HER that dragged Bill Henry off to America. She was always restless.
Probably all that shorthand.
^ What's her new name going to be? Beckenschneider.
She'll have a job gettin' restless under a gobful like that.
She always had to have the biggest one!
Blackandecker?!
Beckenschneider! From the German.
Oh, I could never marry a German!
You didn't even TRY!
Schneider - meaning knife or cutting-edge. Becken?
As in...becken unt eggs?
I thought they had parachutes. Not on the ground.
He wasn't the rear gunner. He was delivering Chicken Kiev.
And they say that foreign food isn't dangerous!
S-L-U-U-U-U-R-P!
S-O-O-O-O-K! Oh, God!
Would he rather have a beaker?
I think he'd rather have a bucket!
Delicious tea, Edith. What a nice compliment, Seymour.
I wonder what Bill Henry drank? You know what he drank...anything!
No, I mean instead of tea. You can get tea in America!
But they don't truly believe in it. It's like going to a church run by atheists. They drink coffee there.
Yeurgh.
Would you rather have a beaker?
A WHAT?! A mug! A mug? No, no, it's all right.
I'm doin' all right with this one.
I've got me finger caught...
Gawd...stuff me!
A lotta people are drinkin' coffee here now.
It's not natural.
I often have a coffee morning.
I blame the decline in religion. There's nobody without religion at MY coffee mornings.
A few without sugar, though! And no cholesterol, and this fear of animal fats.
That's the new religion: long life.
I wonder what religion they buried Bill Henry under.
They've got funny ones out there.
Their clergymen don't look right. They seem too happy, and they have white suits with fancy ties.
That's Colonel Saunders!
I didn't know he were a parson.
I wish his congregation would put their collection boxes in the bin!
Well, I know owt about religion, but I'm tellin' thee, Bill Henry would turn in his Chicken Kiev
if he knew that his wife was marryin' a German.
Wasn't SHE a Hinchcliff?
There IS a rumour to that effect.
Lots of people marry Germans. Who?
Well, other Germans, for instance.
She WAS. She was a Hinchcliff.
Her sister had eczema. She used to wear white gloves.
She made a good marriage on account of wearing white gloves in public.
Was he buried or cremated? No, I think he's still alive.
Oh, well...then he probably wasn't.
I'm SURE he's still alive.
Not the sister's husband. I'm talkin' about Bill Henry!
It just said in the letter that Bill Henry passed on 6 months ago. Out of a plane - quite a pass!
He IS alive. They moved to Morecambe. He's got a Gentleman's Outfitters.
Whether he was buried or cremated, WE missed it. Well, not much we can do. We must do SOMETHING.
I'm told they have a large bungalow in a better area, with ornamental pond and small Georgian panes.
Do something like WHAT? Well...
Of course, Georgian panes can't be easy to clean...
When we were young and fit and daft, I once did the Three Pubs with him. The Three Pubs!
Nobody does the Three Pubs now! How far was it?
15 miles, up and down hill. And 3 pints in every pub!
It'd be fitting - a walking wake for Bill Henry!
Fifteen miles?!
And nine pints?! On our bikes, then.
I don't mind doin' it on me bike! We just pace ourselves.
Of course, unless you're careful, your ornamental pond
can become all green and claggy.
That must be ONE gone. Only another fourteen to go. Don't start moaning already.
It's time for a breather. I'm sure this hill was flatter when me and Bill Henry did it.
Here!
Already? Do you think we should? It's a wake, in't it?
We've 3 pints to do in each pub.
Well, now's the time to get in a little practice... There we are, son.
# I don't know what I'm going to do
# When Nora comes back to me... #
To Bill Henry! Bill Henry!
Butterfingers! I'm not accustomed to drinking out of bottles.
Stick with US. We'll educate tha.
If anyone's looking, this is not ME doing this, but someone who might be mistaken for ME.
NOBODY could be mistaken for THEE. Tha's over-educated, and tha don't have the basic skills!
Well, there's a lot of it about.
The whole world's staying at school longer to get much less education.
What "basic skills"?
It's disgustin' that a bloke of your age can't drink out of a bottle!
Well, I'm getting it now...
We didn't do this a lot at the Headmasters' Conferences.
B-U-U-U-R-P!
Well, there's nothing skilled about THAT. Tha's wrong, Seymour.
If tha can't learn to control the pressure, tha'll end up wi' a punctured eardrum. Rubbish!
There's lots of posh folk die from sittin' on their pressure instead of lettin' it go!
It must be terrible being rich. I've never heard such claptrap.
Listen, Seymour...what about the Lord Mayor's Banquet? They don't make noises like THAT.
No, but if you got close enough you could see panic in their eyes!
It's round here somewhere.
What is?
The gate! It's in a field down there somewhere.
Me and Bill Henry walked the gate.
What do you mean? Well, we did this tightrope walk along the top rail.
What for? What for? Because it seemed a good idea at the time.
Haven't you ever had the urge to walk the top bar of a gate? Not recently, no.
Well, I haven't lately... I'm relieved to hear that.
But it was just the kind of thing that old Bill Henry liked to do. That's true.
He was a right twit sometimes, that Bill Henry.
You're not suggesting we should walk the gate now? No, no, no...
I'm suggesting that I walk the gate.
Best of British, Norm.
Do you WANT to walk the gate? Not particularly. Then why do you feel obliged to do it?
It's like paying your respects.
Sort of, "In Affectionate Memory".
And if he's looking, he'll have a right old giggle.
Anyway, it's what we did THEN, and I'm going to do it NOW.
I think that's very touching.
I think it's crackers.
Yes, also it's crackers.
Em...can somebody hold this gate?
I don't think it's as solid as it was the last time.
And it's grown a lot higher.
We'll catch thee, Norm. It's disturbing, though, isn't it?
You think gates just do nothing... All the time, while your back's turned, they've been growing.
Are you sure about this?
It seemed to go OK the last time.
But then tha had thee eyes open.
Well, I can't remember every little thing... Hold the gate steady!
It's THEE that's wobbling about!
Now, one foot in front of the other and don't look down.
5 simple steps and tha's cracked it.
They said that about me honeymoon!
A-a-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h!
Does tha think he's okay? He cycled here all right.
He seemed a bit quiet. He still had a good deal of mud to spit out.
Are you okay? I think I've imprinted the shape of my cap on my head forever.
Get theeself round THAT! There's two more waiting. Right.
Hey, listen... If you promise to keep it to yourselves, I'll tell you a scandalous secret.
When you get a good bite... Yorkshire tastes terrible.
There's a moral there somewhere. Never fall with your mouth open.
Well, the first of the three pubs - here's to Bill Henry! Bill Henry!
You know, I was halfway...
I was nearly across... when some twit opened the gate.
Don't look at ME! I was nowhere near that end of the gate.
I certainly didn't open the gate!
Well, SOMEBODY opened the gate. It must've swung open on its own. Why didn't it do it earlier, then?
Oh, just one of those things... Drink up. There's 8 pints and 12 miles to go.
B-U-U-R-P!
Onwards! Onwards! Tah-r-a-a-a-a-a!
Come in Number 21! Your time is up!
Right, now...formate on ME.
Let's have a bit of swank here.
Try to keep in step. On a chuffin' bicycle?!
You know what I mean. Let's have a bit of order. Let's show a bit of respect for Bill Henry.
Now, get in formation on each side of me... That's right.
Now, twice round the car park to get the hang of it.
MUSIC: "THE BLUE DANUBE"
That's better. Now we're really looking something.
When I say "turn", we shall turn towards the road, where I shall give the second command to turn...
Turn!
And turn!
You dozy small person!
Why did you turn RIGHT?!
I don't know what happened.
There's only left or right!
He was only ONE off, then.
I don't understand it.
There's no harm done. I hope my sister Edith's bicycle agrees.
I'll swear I intended to go left.
Well, YOU were steering.
Or was he?
Well, who else?
Same bloke who opened the gate.
If tha means God, I don't believe it. He's not going to go round opening His own gates...
He's going to be employing somebody to open gates! I don't mean God!
Well, WHO then? There are only a limited number of options in that direction.
Bill Henry!
Wait a minute... He's in America.
Just because he's buried in America doesn't mean he has to stay there. You think they can wander about?!
Well, if they CAN'T, being buried must have a low rating for interest and entertainment. I hope tha CAN!
I'll visit Disneyland, Blackpool, and Nora Batty's bedroom... not necessarily in that order.
I find the idea VERY implausible. Well, SOMEONE opened the gate...
Coincidence. ..and made HIM turn right.
Under-intelligence. Seconded.
You can call it coincidence if you like.
All I'm saying is, if you start adding all these things together,
you've got all the hallmarks of Bill Henry's sense of humour.
PERSISTENT SQUEAKING
Can't you do something about that damned squeak?
I AM doin' something about it. What? I'm ignoring it.
Oh, I don't know WHAT you've done.
SQUEAK
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dearie-me!
It really suits thee, Seymour, ridin' a lady's bike. Just sit there and learn left from right.
It were funny that. It were almost as if somebody else were in command of my bike.
I told you - Bill Henry. Does tha reckon?
He always enjoyed a good giggle.
You might as well lie back and relax because old Bill Henry is in charge.
Ow-o-o-o-o-oh!
Nice one, Bill Henry!
How much further?
To the next pub? A couple of miles.
But we're nearly at the tree.
What tree? We climbed a tree. It was Bill Henry's idea.
The beggar was always up trees. It was just aeroplanes he never got the hang of.
Wasn't the gate enough for you? You're not going to climb trees!
I want to do this thing properly.
Besides, trees are easier than gates.
Well, is this the one, or isn't it?
It's a lot bigger. Well, it would be, wouldn't it?
Apart from bigger, I'm sure it's the one.
I shall know when I get up there because we carved our initials. All right, let's get it over with.
When I give the word, all together!
What a good idea.
One...two...three...GO-O-O-O!
Right...
Hold on to the rope.
PULL...PULL...PULL...
PULL...PULL...
PULL...
PULL...PULL...
Right, grab hold of a branch!
Well, it's the right tree.
I know, and it's uncomfortable!
Oh, stop complaining.
Listen!
What?
I think I can hear somebody giggling. Give over!
There's nobody giggling up here.
CLEGG SNIFFS
Can you smell it?
THEY ALL SNIFF
Smell what?
Chicken Kiev.
Watch the ladder! Oh, no! That's ALL we need!
You're wicked, Bill Henry! I'll bet old Beckenschneider's in for some surprises.
Subtitles by Ewan Angus BBC Scotland, 1987